Marya and Adam 2020

18 Best Affirmations I Used to Attract Love at 41 (By a Dating Coach)

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Your right person is out there. 

I know it’s hard to stay hopeful if your love life isn’t what you want it to be. It’s tiring to keep dating if you’ve been dating and looking for true love for years.

How do I know? Because I’ve been where you are. 

I dated on and off for 15 years.  And at 41, I found real love with a partner who loves me for me. 

It’s draining to put yourself out there on a daily basis and to go on bad date after bad date. 

It’s easy to get attached to the wrong person. You know, the one who ghosts you for a while and then shows back up with open arms giving you false hope only to vanish again in a few days. 

Perhaps you kill time by dating someone who is nice enough, but you’re not compatible for the long term. You like the companionship, but you know this is not your person.

I fell into this trap and was married briefly as a result. Our marriage wasn’t right on all levels. I knew it deep down and ended it at 38. I’d rather be alone than in the wrong relationship for the rest of my life. I had to honor my gut.

Breaking it off means having an uncomfortable conversation and hurting the other person. And then, you worry you’ll never meet another person who wants to date you. 

It’s an emotional roller coaster ride. 

One day you’re hopeful. You think today could be the day good things happen.

The next day, you’re filled with negative thoughts and ready to be done with dating forever. You try to convince yourself you don’t need a romantic relationship. So you take down your online profile yet again. 

I know it’s hard to keep putting yourself out there. But if you really want a partner, don’t give up hope. 

The thing that motivated me to find the love of my life was imagining how good it would feel to have a partnership built on unconditional love. Someone who loved me for me. Who I could be the best version of myself with, holding nothing back. And to be with a partner whom I had deep respect for.

Through years of my own dating experience and my training to be a dating coach, I learned a few things about how to stay patient in your search for a partner. And how to stay out of fear and be confident that you’re heading in the right direction, knowing that love can happen for you. Affirmations were essential to my success. 

What is a relationship affirmation?

Relationship affirmations are short positive statements or mantras that you bring to mind over and over. They remind you of the mindset and attitudes you want to hold about dating and finding love. These powerful tools are a great way to to feel more empowered and reframe negative thoughts when they pop up. With regular use, they seep into your subconscious mind. And you create new thought patterns about what’s possible. Allowing you to stay open and hold positive energy, rather than feeling defeated and shutting down and giving up. 

Our thoughts shape our emotions and behavior. And affirmations help you remember that you’re worthy of love as you look for a new relationship and a passionate love. They help you date in a way that shows you’re confident and a prize to be cherished.

Here are 14 strategies and 18 essential affirmations for anyone ready for love.

14 essential strategies and 18 affirmations for finding love

1. To meet a potential partner, you have to go on dates.

This may sound obvious, but it’s easy to develop magical thinking and believe that you can passively use daily affirmations and draw the right person into your life while you’re watching Netflix on the couch. I’ve fallen into this trap myself. But you have to put yourself out there. 

woman on a date

Have friends and family members set you up. Use online dating. Ask people out. Live the life of a person who has an active dating schedule.

If you are hesitant to go on dates, ask yourself why. Do you have some healing to do to be ready to open yourself up to another person? 

2. Create an abundant mindset about dating.

Before I ended a relationship, a fear would creep in that I would never meet another person to date again. I had to remind myself that this was never the case. Believing that I would find my person if I stayed patient and persistent kept me motivated to put myself out there repeatedly. 

Online dating makes it easier to meet new people. If I always saw the same faces online, I imagined that my partner was just moving to town and that he would show up online soon. It turns out, that was exactly what happened with my current husband, Adam. He’d just moved to town and was dating again after getting divorced. 

Affirmation: If I’m patient and persistent, I’ll find my person. 

Affirmation: My partner is on his/her way to me.

Affirmation: With every person I date, I get one step closer to finding my person.

3. Think of dating as a training ground for learning new relationship skills.

To create a satisfying relationship, we need certain relationship skills. Skills like communicating what you’re feeling rather than holding it in and shutting down. And managing powerful emotions so you can speak up for your needs in a way that your partner can hear. 

Dating provides a training ground to learn those skills within the context of a relationship. And to learn about yourself and what you need. 

coffee date

Dating gave me a chance to discover how to put my feelings into words and communicate in an emotionally honest way. To listen to my gut. And to notice how my partner affected my energy and whether I expanded or contracted around him.

Take heart if you feel like you’re spinning your wheels with dating. Below the surface, you’re learning some important skills. 

Affirmation: I’m learning important relationship skills that will help me have a healthy relationship in the future.

4. Lean into uncomplicated relationships.

A relationship that’s meant to work will fall into place easily. All the pieces of the puzzle will line up. It won’t feel like anyone’s playing games. It’ll be the right timing for both of you. You’ll both be open and ready to settle down. There won’t be leftover feelings for an ex or fear of commitment standing in the way. You won’t have to change yourself or sacrifice what you want to be together. 

If you are confused by the behavior of someone you’re dating and you can’t tell if they’re into you or not, let it go. If the timing seems off, let it go.

Affirmation: I release and let go of complicated dating situations.

Affirmation: If it’s complicated, it’s not meant to be right now.

5. Stay available for the right person to come into your life.

Because dating can feel so hard, it’s easy to kill time in the wrong relationship. Perhaps you’re learning some important lessons about what you need in a partner. But dating the wrong person keeps you from having time in your schedule and emotional energy for the right person to come into your life. If your current relationship isn’t right on all levels, when you’re ready, let it go to make space for the right relationship to come into your life. 

Affirmation: I release a relationship that’s not right for me to make space for the right relationship to come into my life.

6. Keep it light on the first date.

If you want the heart-burning love that’s described in a Rumi poem, it puts a lot of pressure on a date. You go in thinking this person could be “the one”. I know it’s hard to dial back your hopes when you’re excited, but keep in mind that the purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second date.

couple laughing

Have fun and see how you feel being around that person. Notice if your energy expands or deflates when you’re with them. Do you enjoy who you are in their presence? 

Affirmation: The purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second date.

7. Maintain an even pace.

If you meet someone you like and want a committed relationship, it’s natural to try to dive into a relationship immediately. But moving fast makes you more likely to miss red flags and to become attached to the wrong person. Or worse, to end up in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Resist the urge to see each other every day at first so you have the space to hear your gut and dial in on your true feelings. 

During my dating coach training, I’ll never forget an affirmation shared by my instructor about taking your time to build happy healthy relationships. He said, “what seems like the short way is really the long way. And what seems like the long way is really the short way.” There are no shortcuts to building good relationships. 

Affirmation: What seems like the short way is really the long way. And what seems like the long way is really the short way.

8. Do a post-date analysis.

If you’re attracted to your date or you’re ready to settle down, it’s easy to put on blinders and miss red flags. To see the situation more clearly, write down direct quotes from your date about where they’re at with their life, with dating, and what’s most important to them right now. “I can’t wait to start a family” means a relationship is a high priority. “My work keeps me super busy” says work is more important than anything else right now. 

do a post-date analysis

I gave my dates the benefit of the doubt too often and overlooked some obvious red flags. It’s especially easy to do if your date gives mixed messages and wants to make out with you one minute. And then says, “let’s keep this casual” the next.

9. Watch out for drama and trauma bonding.

If the object of your affection ghosts you and the chase makes you want him more, that’s drama bonding. 

Trauma bonding happens when you become your date’s therapist. As a trained therapist and a careful listener, I could easily fall into this role with dates who had some healing to do. I know first-hand how easy it is to become an emotional caretaker and to mistake that for love. If you start to feel like your date’s counselor or you’re stuffing down your real feelings to keep the peace, that’s a red flag. 

True love and a strong relationship are built from an equal energy exchange where both people show up whole. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice any of yourself to be with the right person.

Affirmation: A strong relationship is built by two emotionally whole and healthy people.

10. Date people that remind you of your favorite person.

I was a magnet for men that reminded me of my dad. They were the strong, silent, non-emotional type. But I was never at ease around that kind of guy. And was looking for an emotionally open and caring partner that I could have easy, intimate conversations with. And build a fun, goofy and sweet relationship like I had with my best friends and my sister.

two women hugging

Remembering what it’s like to be around my favorite people, and how my most loving relationships feel, helped me to break the pattern of dating guys that were like my dad and ultimately wrong for me. 

If you’re trying to break a pattern of dating the wrong person, look for someone who reminds you of your favorite person.

Affirmation: Does my date remind me of my favorite people?

11. Ask yourself, do I like them?

It’s easy to get caught up wondering if the other person likes you. But keep asking yourself, “do I like them?” 

If you’re worried about what kind of impression you’ve made, flip that question around and ask yourself what kind of impression they made on you. If you’re hoping they like you, double check to make sure you actually like them.

Stay present in the moment with your date, without fantasizing about the potential for a future together, so you can clearly see their behavior and judge whether they’re really a match. If you’re changing yourself to be with them, over time, you will lose yourself in the relationship. Make sure you have a voice in your relationship and that you’re using your right to choose. 

Affirmation: Do I choose them?

12. Be kind to yourself.

When I went through a break up I’d think, “no one wants me, I’ll never meet someone.” Which led to a downward spiral. Your thoughts create your emotions. But in daily life you can also use your thoughts to pick yourself back up. Give yourself an opportunity to heal from heartache and talk yourself through a rough patch. 

Give yourself grace on the journey. And speak kindly to yourself.

Affirmation: With every person I date, I learn something new about what I need. I get one step closer to finding my person.

Affirmation: The only way I’ll fail is if I stop trying.

Affirmation: Even if it takes a lifetime, I will find my person if I don’t give up. Remind yourself you have all the time in the world.

13. Take breaks from dating when you need to.

If you are tired of dating or are nursing a broken heart, give yourself time away from dating to recharge and grieve or heal. So you’re not dating defensively and with walls up.

On dates, if you hear yourself talking about your ex all the time or sounding cynical, defensive, or angry, those may be signs it’s time to take a break to heal your heart. 

That time away also gives you a chance to mull over what you’ve learned about what you need and what you want.

14. A full life makes for a soft landing.

I used to hate it when people told me to “stay busy” to deal with the uncertainty of dating. And now I say it too because, dang it, it’s true.

life a life you love

Having a life you love is the best way to embrace being single. Plus having work, projects, activities and friends you love lights you up and makes you even more attractive. 

Affirmation: A full life makes for a soft landing.

Affirmation: Living a life I love makes me very attractive. 

The power of positive affirmations

As a kid, I dreamt of having a great marriage to my best friend and soul mate, the way some women dream about becoming a mother. I knew I wanted a good partnership. 

Through all my dating, blind faith and hope powered me to keep going. If it was meant to be for me, I would meet the right person.  

And then after my divorce, I released any expectations, and that’s when I met Adam. Born in the same hospital, we grew up within 10 miles of each other. We went to the same university at the same time but never met. Our first marriages both ended around the same time. When he moved into town for a new job, we finally met online. 

And now I’m here to tell you like a pestering (but loving) big sister, if you want to find love, don’t give up hope. Ever. Let go of partners who aren’t right for you. Have faith that there’s a better person out there for you. Make space for someone that’s a better fit to come into your life. Take breaks from dating when you need to. And have faith that your life partner will appear at the right time.

To stay motivated, use these positive love affirmations to continue dating.

The only way you will fail is if you give up. 

Affirmation: The only way I fail is if I give up.

I’m always here rooting for you with so much love and optimism. XO, Marya

Hi, Friend. I'm Marya. I'm so glad you're here!

I’m here to help women feel good inside and out through approachable everyday style inspiration and encouragement for midlife. Once upon a time, I worked as a therapist and coach. Now, I’m a holistic style blogger studying style coaching! Be So You celebrates leaning into who we were meant to be! 

Keep in touch by signing up for my e-newsletter hereRead about my  journey to self-discovery at 40. Follow me on Instagram here and Pinterest here. Send me a quick question through my contact page here.  

Fit Note: I’m midsized at 5’6″, 160 pounds, with size 12 jeans. 

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