How to Have a Difficult Conversation When Opening Up is Super Hard

You’re considering having a difficult conversation. Good for you.

From the work I did as a therapist, I know that if you want to be happy in your relationships, being able to tolerate having a hard conversation is super important.

And also, from my own life experience, I know how hard it is to bring up difficult topics.

For instance, I knew in my gut my first marriage needed to end. But I avoided saying those exact words out loud to my husband at the time. 

And then I had a dream I was having a conversation with God. Stick with me here. I know this sounds far out. He told me I wasn’t fulfilling my life purpose in that relationship

And that was the nudge I needed. Whether it was God or just my unconscious mind giving me a push, the very next morning, while still laying in bed, I said the words I’d spoken in my head so many times. 

It was unfair that I hadn’t been that direct with him until that moment. We’d had many discussions about the issues in our relationship. But I hadn’t told him I was thinking about ending it until then. I am sorry about that. 

And now in hindsight, I know why I wasn’t having the conversation. I was afraid of hurting his feelings. But that wasn’t the full story.

It turns out I was unconsciously avoiding completely losing control emotionally. I was afraid of getting so filled with intense emotion during the conversation and that I’d cry and wouldn’t be able to say what needed to be said. 

Being afraid of becoming flooded with emotion may stop you from having hard conversations.

At its extreme, avoiding talking about hard issues and distancing from your mate because you’re upset is called stonewalling. This is when you withdraw or tune the other person out. You ignore them and for me, I’d stop making eye contact.

All in all, it’s a dynamic that doesn’t bode well for a relationship. Marriage researcher, John Gottman rates it as one of the top four communication styles that predict the end of a relationship. 

With my former ex, I was somewhere along the continuum of stonewalling and it was a familiar dynamic for me. It was one of the main communication styles in my home growing up. I’d get ignored by some members of my family when I tried to speak up. And I eventually learned it wasn’t worth it to try to talk directly about a problem. 

Looking back, I stonewalled a roommate once. We just stopped talking for the rest of the semester. And I had a few blips like this with other friendships too.

Preparing to speak up, I was always on the lookout for risk. I prepared for “the talk” like I was preparing to negotiate a hostage release. I was a classic overthinker, trying to imagine how the other person would respond if I said X,Y, or Z. And many times I just chickened out. I swallowed my feelings and carried on like everything was fine, deciding that I was probably being too sensitive.

It’s one thing to have this dynamic when you’re early dating. But it’s quite another when you’re in a serious relationship and need to talk about a problem. 

Unresolved problems hang over a couple like a cloud. If you never talk about them, the negativity and stress sits in your nervous system increasing cortisol and contributing to inflammation. And you end up so disconnected from each other that you have unfixable problems. 

When I studied relationship coaching and learned about stonewalling and how it kills a relationship, I wanted to learn how to work through problems more directly.  

Here’s what I learned about how to have a difficult conversation.

How to have a difficult conversation

1. Look at the beliefs that stop you from taking a stand. From my childhood experiences, I believed it wouldn’t solve anything to try to talk about problems. And then watching the movie When Harry Met Sally undermined my assertiveness even more. After that movie, I decided men don’t like high maintenance women. Demanding, picky and opinionated meant unlovable. If I could give my younger self advice, I’d say that likability comes from sharing interests, emotional chemistry and being sympatico intellectually. Not from being easy-going. The right partner will not be put off.
2. Talk about the little things as they come up. And address them in the moment if you can. Say something when you first notice the car’s been left on empty again. Stewing on it can multiply the negative energy and turn other seemingly harmless interactions into a place to butt heads.  
3. Avoid ruminating about an issue. When you mull something over you draw one-sided conclusions. You’ll start to label your partner in your mind, “you’re so selfish” or “you’re so thoughtless” and will come down even harder on them when you do talk about it.
4. Know you have a right to feel the way you do. Feelings aren’t right or wrong. They just are. It’s easy to talk yourself out of saying something by thinking you’re overreacting, so remind yourself that you have a right to your emotions. 
5. Learn about and use non-violent communication skills. The name for this skill is awful and should be called peaceful communication. Non-violent communication (NVC) short-circuits conflict by using deep listening and compassion. As humans, we’re all trying to get our needs met in our relationships. When that doesn’t happen, we end up in power struggles. The four-step process is based on 1). Making neutral observations, “I hear you say you can’t come to the show with me.” 2). Focusing on feelings, not issues. “I feel confused or frustrated.” 3). Conveying your unmet need. “I need consistency or consideration.” 4). When there’s real understanding, make a request to satisfy the need. “In the future, would you let me know earlier if you’ve changed your mind?” Some communities offer NVC practice groups. Here’s an article about NVC and the NVC website.  
6. Be okay with crying when you express anger. It’s a common reaction to cry when expressing frustration. In the past, I avoided hard conversations specifically because I didn’t want to be judged for crying. Usually there are layers of emotions under anger that may lead to tears like fear or shame. When I’m nervous and saying something important, I’m more likely to get tearful. 
7. Do nose belly breathing before and during “the talk” to calm your nervous system and stay present in the moment. Deep breathing triggers your relaxation response. Aim for 4-6 breaths per minute. That’s 10-15 seconds per breath. Focus on expanding the exhale rather than quickly inhaling, which may lead to hyperventilation.

What if your difficult conversation does not go well?

That’s okay. What happens after the hard conversation is super important. It’s the “repair attempt”, according to Gottman. It’s breaking the tension to get the good feelings going between you again. It may be giving an apology or making a joke to make your partner laugh. It’s a signal that you’re waving the white flag and want to move forward. It shows you’re releasing the negativity and ready to feel connected again.

Sometimes you’ll be the one to break the tension, sometimes your partner will. If you want the relationship to work, it’s important to accept the peace offering and move forward.

The truth about having a difficult conversation

It’s completely normal to disagree and even argue. 

We all have needs and no one will be perfect at meeting them. 

The question is, how quickly can you work through a challenge together and get back to feeling close?

It turns out, being able to have a hard conversation is the foundation for true intimacy. Because opening up allows you to be truly known, which strengthens your bond.  

The next time you talk yourself out of speaking up because you think it won’t make a difference, take a few deep belly breaths and just speak from your heart. 

The right partner will appreciate your honesty and will want to make it work.